Eyes: A Reverie

I stare across time and space to a distant future where I see an old woman in a dimly lit room. Her face is covered with wrinkles and her body, which still has echoes of its former sturdiness, is now clearly exhausted from a long life of service to its owner. She lays silently on what seems to be her death bed. Her eyes, watery and yellow, call out to me in a silent plea. “Make it count” they seem to say. Suddenly I realize that those pleading eyes are strangely familiar. I know those eyes! Those eyes stare back at me every day from the mirror. The old woman dying in the dim room has my eyes. And they are saying “Make it count.”

Beside her sits an elegant middle aged woman. Her eyes look lovingly on the old woman as she grasps the frail, lined, hand. Suddenly she casts a glance over her shoulder to see what her mother is gazing at so intently. I recognize immediately the deep pools of blackness, ever dancing with a hint of laughter, as the eyes of my daughter. The eyes are older than I know them but still deep and still dancing. Who have you become? I long to ask. What has life held for you? She too remains silent, but how her eyes talk to me. “Make it count” they say.

Suddenly the scene changes and I see my own mother. Decades have been lifted to reveal her in her youth. She is humming as she caresses a belly full with baby. She doesn’t yet fully understand the sacrifice and toil this first child will exact of her neither does she know that seven more will follow. She doesn’t yet anticipate the hours of washing and scrubbing and worrying and advising. She doesn’t think of the shouting and tears and planning and work that her new role will require for so many years. But her eyes are already filled with the love that will never leave them through it all. “Make it count” say her loving eyes.

The next eyes I see are unfamiliar. No, I can’t say unfamiliar, though I’ve certainly never seen them. For my eyes, and those of my mother and daughter, still retain something of those of this unknown ancestor. The woman’s face is stern and weathered. She has clearly had neither the time nor the inclination for pampering. But there is a beauty there which even the long years of neglect cannot hide. In those stern eyes which I recognize but do not know there is a silent order. “Make it count” they say.

Make it count.

Calling Myself Out

These past few years have been incredibly rich yet incredibly difficult. I am one of those people constantly searching for Something. And in many ways I have found It. I feel very fulfilled in my family life. A loving, patient and purposeful husband. A joyful, bright and interesting (if quite challenging…but, then, that’s part of the reason she’s so interesting) daughter. And a caring and supportive extended family--relatives I've been blessed with by blood, marriage and choice (friends). I am part of a community where I feel needed and which is full of purpose. I live in a rich and vibrant country where, again, I feel engaged and useful. And I have recently begun on a Spiritual Path within Islam which has greatly enhanced my understanding of and practice of my Way of Life.

But even with all that was right outside of me, there has been something disjointed inside. I have had trouble fitting myself into the life that I have created for myself. At times I have felt bored, disappointed, overwhelmed, aggravated, cheated and even hopeless. I felt that I lacked what I needed to be truly satisfied with my life. I didn’t always feel this way, but it was more than just an occasional bad day. And I felt myself slowly becoming one those bitter and spiteful women…those women I hate to be around, those women I don’t understand.

Recently, in addition to my daily prayers and Thikr (Islamic formulaic recitation…a form of meditation on Allah) I wrote a daily Personal Affirmation to try to combat the negativity I felt seeping into my heart. This is what I came up with:

“With the Name of Allah. I am human—good and bad. I strive to bring forth the Best that is in me. Today is a new day and a new opportunity to bring forth my Best Self. With the help of Allah. Ameen.”

And it helped. It reminded me daily that the mistakes I as a human will inevitably make are not the End of all that I have been striving for (yeah…I can be a *little* dramatic). That each day is a new opportunity. And that who I’m longing to be is already within me and so is most definitely attainable. It definitely helped to have this daily reminder.

But today I came to a realization that I think—I hope—will help even more. I began thinking about the line in my affirmation “The Best that is in me.” What is that? I vaguely associated this with the Spirit that God has breathed into each of us, and so with God himself. But, tangibly, what does that mean?

Christians have the concept of Man being created in God’s Image. Muslims have a related concept that we are Allah’s Khalifah, or Representative on Earth. We also aspire to adopt on a human scale the Qualities that Allah has told us that He posesses. So since Allah is The Creator, we also strive to be creative. Since Allah is The All Compassionate, we also strive to be compassionate. Since Allah is The Patient One, we also strive to have patience. Since Allah is The Generous One, we strive to be the same.

I also remembered that this God Spirit is not only in me but in every human being that has been, is, or ever will be. And, indeed, in everything that Allah has created. This Best Self that I am calling out with my affirmation includes all of the wonderful qualities that Allah has endowed on all of His Creation. As a microcosm of the larger macrocosm of Creation, what is within me—us—is immeasurable.

So when I call out my Best Self I’m calling out the Perfect Example of Prophet Muhammad (saw). I’m calling out the Sincerity of Abu Bakr. I’m calling out the Firmness of Umar and the Generosity of Uthmaan. I’m calling out the Spirituality of Ali. I’m calling out the Supportiveness of Mother Khadijah and the Intelligence of Mother Ayesha. I’m calling out the Good Counsel of Fatima. I’m calling out the Independence of Aasiya and the Purity and Maternity of Mariam (Mary, Mother of Jesus). I’m calling out the Forgiveness of Prophet Yusef (Joseph) and the Patience of Prophet Ayyub (Job). I’m calling out the Leadership of Prophet Musa (Moses) and the Love of Prophet Isa (Jesus). I’m calling out the Sacrifice of Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham).

I’m also calling out the Wisdom of my Mother. And the Labour of my Father. I’m calling out the Sociability of my sister Sia, the Organization of Ayesha, the Energy of Naomi, the Creativity of Khadijah and the Adventure of Serena. I’m calling out the Love of Family of my brother Toure and the Inventiveness of Bilal. I’m calling out the Experience of my Grandparents. I’m calling out the Perseverance of the Ancestors whose names I may never know.

I’m also calling out the Best in the countless friends and associates I have made along the way. I’m calling out Meisha’s Laughter. I’m calling out Ifraj’s Connection with God. I’m calling out Eva’s Giving Spirit. I’m calling out Shaye’s Will. I’m calling out Emily’s Positivity. I’m calling out Fatima’s Sincerity.

I’m calling out the Knowledge that has been imparted by my many teachers formal and informal and the Knowledge that was previously imparted to them.

What’s more I’m calling out the Strength of the Trees and the Warmth of the Sun. I’m calling out the Soothing of the Wind and Water. I’m calling out the Beauty of Flowers and the Freedom of the Birds. I’m calling out the Work Ethic and Community of Ants and Bees. I’m calling out the Sweetness of Fruit and the Nourishment of Vegetables. I’m calling out the Pride of Lions and the Humility of Lambs. I’m calling out the Life-giving Force of the Planet itself. And the Majesty and Perfection of the Universe.

All of this is within me—us—and its what we are calling to when we aspire to our Best Selves. And to be able to frame it more concretely by seeing the God Spirit reflected all around us will I think make it seem more attainable and more Real to me. I think—I hope. I can’t say I’ll still be in this space tomorrow but, for now, it’s a pretty good place to be.